This is really unusual and I cannot put it behind me. I already knew when tears came out of my eyes, and for no reason I wept. Writing the letters of your name on a canvas where I drew your face. I am not like this, and it has never occurred to me that something rather inexplicable can happen. I am rational person and it has been so long since I felt broken like this.Who are you really? What are you? I have never seen you but I know you.

 

I can’t explain this, maybe I am just extremely unhappy because of the pending life changes, and leaving home was supposed to be a liberating experience, had it not been for the fact that half of myself will be left behind.

 

Irony of ironies. In order to complete my journey, I have to lose part of myself. She decided to stay behind and I decided to go to meet my destiny. I have raised her well, or maybe I think I did. I will miss her to death because my life has been about fighting for her, and making sure that she had everything she will ever need and want. A mother always has to endure so much and maybe, it is payment for my own sins against my mother (whom I am about to meet on the other side of the world.) Maybe I am so sad that I can no longer contain the great hole that I have, including the one you made. This is not the right time to feel this confusion. Not this lifetime.

 

For over a year now, it has plagued me, how  strange  it is that an out of this world experience  can turn your world upside down. I started chasing after things that both scared the hell out of me, and things that I passionately want. Aside from being overwhelmingly familiar, it doesn’t feel like physical, but more of a relationship that belonged to the soul.

 

Of the soul. And how many times must I tell my self that it is stupid to believe in the non-tangible, the unseen, the occult? I cannot explain it myself.

 

Several months ago, I heard you call my name again in a strange dream. A phantom that embraced me in my deep sleep. A man without a face, but the feeling was overwhelmingly familiar, like I knew who it was and it felt right to be encapsulated in that “virtual” embrace.

 

After another month, I dreamed about a man in the shadows, hidden by the leaves of the trees. The man scared me but it was a kind of fear that was felt like a jester’s joke – light, funny, and then finally clingy. Each time I opened the door to go out, he held it shut so I can’t leave. The leaves fell on my face, I wanted to escape out of that small room, but couldn’t. He wouldn’t let me. I was stuck, the place was familiar and I was not going anywhere until he let’s me. Several nights after that, came another dream of a force embracing me tightly in the middle of a dream. It was so real that I felt it, up to the time I woke up.

 

Your name as spelled in angelic alphabet came to me from the book of life – Keiff Aleph He Ain. I know you now, now that I have a name for you.

 

But you cannot own me, or plague my thoughts. I belong to someone and I am bound to him for this life. You have to flee from my thoughts to spare me the agony of sadness. It is not your time, this is his lifetime with me. My journey with him is not yet done and so you must set us both free. Do not be sad, I will probably see you in another lifetime where pain does not exist for us. I recognize your existence and set you free as well. See you in the next.

 

#literary #art for art’s sake #partially true